This article is about Jerry Grey and the Suburban Bicycle Gang, and the file we have put together on them, as they have known connections to IDRM, but before we get to that, we have important information to share with you about bike gangs which should hopefully give you critical context to what JGSBG is all about, and why the public fears them.
People On Bikes – The Fear
If the term “bike gang” strikes dread into your heart, you are not alone. You’re surely heard of the Bandidos from Texas, the Grim Reapers from Alberta, Canada, and the Hangmen or Galloping Goose out of Cali, and the list goes on.
There are countless bike gangs like these listed above in North America, and around the world. Those are just a few of the many that exist out there Some consider these gangs dangerous, and that’s because many of them are. This is why these gangs are known as one percenters, because while most of society goes by “the rules”, there is a small number of select people who just don’t follow them. They don’t like em, can’t take em. No one tells these people what to do.
Bicycle Gangs – the 1% of the 1%
At this juncture, we need to make a distinction here. There are bike gangs, as in motorbikes, and there are bicycle gangs – an even smaller and rarer slice of the population who you should probably be more worried about.
These guys are the 1% of the 1%. They do not possess any fear and they abide by no man’s law. These bicycle guys are, in a way, like Mormons, in that they do not like machines (not because they fear technology, but because their minds are too clouded to understand its purpose, they’re not as smart as Mormons who disagree ideologically) and hence they ride atop bicycles with no motors. Because what is a motor? It means nothing to them…
These types are primitives, and quite reckless. The very strange part is that many of these bicycle gangsters (there’s no better word for it) is that a lot of them resemble ordinary children, but if you are bicycle gang member, you may look like an innocent child riding a bike, but you’re not. You’re a lunatic who is bereft of moral fiber and you likely have a small scar on your left ankle signifying your alliance to what can only be called the “sect” of bicycle gangsters of the world (BGOTW).
Unlike many traditional motorcycle gangs, who are organized and often very fraternal, these unruly bicycle gangs have no central governing body, and so they roam in small packs, like dogs, and there is often little trust between them – only enough to accomplish some criminal objective. Like I said, they do have that signifier on their ankle if they are truly dedicated to the cause of being the “1% of the 1%”. Most of these bicycle gang kids are introverts, with extrovert tendencies that manifest with psychotic outbursts. Many are the textbook definition of insane. Scientists have been watching them now and taking notes in order to understand this odd state of mind they seem to possess.
One new group of 0.001%-er’s who have arrived on the world stage is called Jerry Grey and the Suburban Bicycle Gang, or JGSBG, hailing from the frozen wastes of Ontario, Canada, where snow drifts routinely pile up to 6 meters high, if they’re a foot.
Now, these guys are not 11 years old, like many bicycle gang members, which makes them an exception to the trend / stereotype that all bicycle gangsters are kids, kind of like the “newsies” you might remember from way back when. Ignoring cultural expectations in this way, JGSBG is a 4-member pack of gangsters who roam the backroads and suburban cul-de-sacs of Ontario, causing trouble.
Jerry Grey (pictured right before being arrested for public drunkenness, lewd behaviour, and urinating in a public sewer), the founder of the gang, named the gang because of their tendency to be seen seemingly aimless, riding through suburban areas, surveying. For what? “Heat weapons”, one JGSBG member said before he was silenced by the others. “We like ta look out fur ya…” Jerry often says when people ask him what the hell he’s doing riding up and down their street at 11 o’clock at night. Law abiding citizens routinely call the cops on them, as it is odd to see grown men riding around your neighbourhood, pedalling slowly by your house and looking at you through your window, or locked in a death stare with someone’s pet cat as it looks out a window.
Like spectres, JGSBG often ride when there is a layer of fog, flitting from patch to patch, usually slowly and with a wandering nature that seems to defy logic, grimacing peevishly. The JGSBG don’t speak much to anyone, and since most times they aren’t technically breaking any laws, except to unnerve people as they ride slowly down your street, watching…waiting. Sometimes they even pose as cyclists, so as to avoid detection by authorities, who have often been contacted to find them and arrest them for random acts of property damage.
They have been seen across the province in various cities and towns, and what they are most known for is creeping people out. They often just stop and stare at folks, for instance… They often will ride up to the elderly and just stare at them, usually eliciting the response “GO AWAY!!! JUST LEAVE ME BE!!!” It really scares the crap out of some folks, and a few folks have even had heart attacks. But Jerry and his cronies won’t look away, they just lock their dead gaze on whoever they please.
Another distinguishing feature of this 4-person group of roving clan of cyclists is that they are in a band together. That’s right – a rock band! Yes folks, in addition to pedalling around Ontario and scaring people, they like to play music together. Jerry Grey even had the temerity to put his album up here: jerrygrey.bandcamp.com, where dozens of people may actually hear it.
The thing about it is, they don’t have a band name, so people just call them by their bicycle gang name – Jerry Grey and the Suburban Bicycle Gang. They never called themselves that. In fact, these troglodytic, erratically behaving men often speak in a monosyllabic half-sleepy type of speech, and they often will only say the words “Jerry Grey and the Suburban Bicycle Gang” when asked any question. It’s their boiler plate response to the people who try to engage them, and it either frustrates or mystifies people. Some just assume they don’t know how to speak, but they do. They just don’t have much to say, and their minds are filled with very little except perhaps the next act of vandalism they will commit.
Here is a clip from their latest concert, which someone filmed by taping a smart phone to a wall. The band didn’t even know they were being filmed. The other thing is, when they perform, suddenly they come alive and seem to possess actual personalities, before going back to their regular zombie-like states. When asked why they play music, one member of JGSBG said “It makes us alive…” Such deep thought…
Jerry Grey Rumours and Gossip
Here is a list of 10 things we learned while doing research about Jerry Grey and the Suburban Bicycle Gang that you may not know. In no specific order…
#1 – They were with Billy Corgan the night he saw the shapeshifter.
#3 – Someone (not sure who) in JGSBG was once in a rap group voted the worst of all time.
#4 – Chad, a member of JGSBG, has his own online podcast called Covert Reality.
#5 – Members of the JGSBG were once arrested in Grenada during a sting operation when an illegal casino belonging to Chronica Rackz was busted.
#7 – Ian of JGSBG is the biological son of Yardbirds’ Jim McCarty, but was put up for adoption after Jim blamed the baby for causing his wife’s postpartum depression at the time. Ironically, it was Jim’s half brother The Big Cat who adopted Ian and took him on the road with him while he made his famous drug runs in the ’80’s with the stolen Coca Cola truck.
#8 – Jerry is the firstborn son of Mr. Vista from his relationship with Belinda Carlisle, and received almost complete hearing loss and also some amount of brain damage when he was given shock treatment by Mr. Vista’s supposedly revolutionary shock therapy device from the early ’90’s, called the Hyberdyne Electrolizer (patent pending).
#9 – Chad was once attacked by famous musician Björk’s father, Guðmundur Gunnarsson, when he thought that Chad was the secret father of Aldo Pimptronic.
#10 – JGSBG leader Jerry was once abducted while out biking on a backroad in Woodstock, Ontario by Gustav Fedoseev, a man wanted by the KGB in connection to a conspiracy to do with time travel. Here is a clip of Gustav below, driving somewhere with Jerry tied up in the passenger seat beside him, unable to escape.