Aldo Pimptronic… Aldo Pimptronic… Aldo Pimptronic! This name alternately sparks either joy or hatred into the hearts of grown men when they hear it. The dossier on Aldo Pimptronic was obtained by us from our FBI covert operative on 28/08/2007, and dates back to August 2001, when Aldo was merely 10 years old. He is currently 26 years of age.
Conception and Birth
The illicit lovechild of Björk and Mr. Vista, young Aldo was conceived in 1991 in Reykjavík when Mr. Vista was visiting the city, adding reinforcement to one of the dams at the Kárahnjúkar Hydropower Plant. This is when he met Björk (the Sugarcubes singer and solo artist), who was ironically there to protest additions to the power plant along with her mother, a known activist.
Guðmundur Gunnarsson, Björk’s father, actually had an altercation with Mr. Vista when he caught him “putting the moves” on Björk in a dark sub-sector of the plant, who, by all accounts, was receptive to said moves, however Björk’s daddy did not like what he saw. A fist fight broke out, but by this time it was too late – Mr. Vista had planted his virile seed whilst the two were doing the horizontal mambo in some sub-tunnel of the dam (sub tunnel #7), and, 10 months later, a baby legally named Aldo Skál Vista Pimptronic was born. “Skál” is Icelandic for “cheers”. Mysteriously, there was a media whiteout on the pregnancy and subsequent birth, having something to do with Björk’s burgeoning solo career.
Troubled Teenage Years
Quickly given up for adoption, not much is known about Aldo’s childhood except that he was raised by two hippies on Vancouver Island.
Our sources had little reason to keep tabs on Aldo, until an incident in 2001, involving the robbery of a medicinal marijuana truck, which was a “stick-up” we might add. This got the attention of local authorities, and Aldo was once again in the periphery of various shadowy operatives.
To say that Aldo’s teen years were troubled would be a bit of an understatement. They started out innocently enough, with an ambitious Aldo designing his own apps and games which he built a six-figure business around.
Then, the trouble really started. He was, for example, arrested in Brussels for letting a black mamba snake loose in a retirement complex, which killed 3 people and wounded 18 others. At the time he was caught, he was dressed entirely in pink spandex and he was lightly tasering a large 18-foot yellow boa as it slowly devoured a front desk clerk alive. He was 16 at the time, and the judge decided that he was in full control of his mental faculties, so he sent him to Saint-Gilles.
An unrepentant Pimptronic was in jail for a mere 2 hours, before he was actually rescued by his pappy Mr. Vista, Young Coconut, and Binary Forest, who were doing a concert at the time and flying by in helicopter. Once they landed dramatically outside of the jail and signed some autographs, they actually managed to pull some strings and get young Aldo out on bail for USD $700 000 and a few favours to the jail, including providing a new state of the art “internet library” for the staff members (a year or so before the internet’s public launch) and a new weight room and sauna for the prisoners. Lifers were even given swag including clothes that read “Free Pimptronic”.
Opening for IDRM
At this point, Aldo Pimptronic was beginning to developing a following in various parts of Africa in the electronic music community, and he was being managed by Russian expat and supposed time traveling gypsy Gustav Fedoseev.
Gustav, known for various criminal activities including embezzlement and streaking during sporting events, was at this point, said to be controlling the mind of the still young Aldo Pimptronic with a “personality softening” drug provided to him by The Big Cat. Aldo, ripe for manipulation, was being forced to play shows at The Loft, AKA Fedoseev’s babe lair – not only whoring his ample musical abilities out for nominal payouts, but he was a scullion to the various beautiful but admittedly degraded escorts that would frequent the loft, earning himself the title of “pubic hair stylist” (which he was quite good at, reports show).
At the same time, Aldo was paying more than his fair share of dues in life, being shuttled around the country in order to “pad the bill” for shows featuring several other bands working with The Guz, including Binary Forest, The Flying Lenins, and Young Coconut, not to mention the mega popular dance duo IDRM.
It was Christmas 2002 and there was a concert featuring IDRM as headliners, Binary Forest opening for them, and Aldo Pimptronic was tacked on to supposedly “warm up the crowd”. However, what happened that night in Toronto, Canada, was considered a major upset by IDRM. Why? Because they were literally upset…and also because Aldo Pimptronic stole the show with his latest record, Pure Vida, which was a surprise hit – a quintessential pimp anthem that neither of the bigger acts could have predicted that was up there with Biggie’s “Big Papa”. It was offically out of control.
As a result of what IDRM considered Aldo “stealing the show”, a famous incident took place where IDRM went back to their hotel, which they owned, to sulk and do drugs until dawn.
That night – December 24th – and IDRM’s AKA AB was heading back to his room at Pee Wee’s Inn, and he made a casually flip remark to Aldo Pimptronic, who was also heading back to his own room to engage in pleasurable matters some well-earned concert sluts. The two passed each other in the hall, and AKA AB’s exact words to Aldo Pimptronic, which set off a chain reaction of events that no music historian could have ever anticipated, were, precisely, and according to the security cameras that were later obtained by one of our agents, was this: “You fucking SUCK Pimptronic!” Security cameras obtained this freeze frame when the remark was uttered.
What happened next was a turning of the tides in the music industry. Aldo Pimptronic, who was, in late 2002, everyone’s whipping boy it seemed, rang in 2003 by living up to his god given surname by collectively pimp slapping the lot of musicians who had been keeping him down during his youth, and vigorously kicking his manager to the curb.
As of January 1st, 2003, Aldo Pimptronic (and here we have to quote the underground music ‘zine Zebras and Cadillacs) “fucked every bitch he laid eyes on, including all the good girls who promised their parents they’d never do it with a pimp”.
That same night as the infamous insult was dropped, Aldo Pimptronic burned down IDRM’s favourite post-show stop, Pee Wee’s in, and nearly killed all three band members at the same time. Amazingly, no one was hurt, and all the people staying at Pee Wee’s that night were left watching the hotel burn down while fire trucks blared and the rain came pouring down. But two things also happened that night that IDRM never forgave Aldo for, and that is burning all of AKA AB’s IDRM feature articles which he hoarded in his hotel closet and like to roll in them from time to time. Also, Aldo drove away that night with none other than Milla Jovovich, who was then-dating Delisle-Tron 5000.
During the kerfuffle, Aldo intercepted a half naked Jovovich, and took her away with him in his supped up Ford Pinto, leaving Delisle-Tron shocked and consequently depressed for the next 2 years. From then on Delisle-Tron could not even stand the site of a Pinto.
Aldo Pimptronic may have won the battle that night, making love to Milla Jovovich multiple times – but, as our reports tell us, the war had just begun.