Hello world, my name is Devon and I have asked – actually commanded under penalty of being fired from my job – to write this brief biography on the hip hop group called Try Hardz, with whom I am quite familiar due to their association with Fauxtown Records, and myself being a humble scribe for said organization, or, truthfully, you should call it a syndicate. Luckily, they like being called that.
Anyway, to all the fans, friends, and family reading this when you find the time in your undoubtedly busy schedules, I have known the Try Hardz – who are represented by J.K. Phil Osé, Young Coconut, and their canine manager Randool, who is suspiciously dead, for years. Maybe 9 years, or 10 years. Now that I’ve been to Jamba Juice, and I feel relatively nourished, I can begin this task of describing the back story to the artists voted “Worst rap ever of all time”.
Ah, that smoothie was delicious…now where should I begin? This stellar history flattens logic like our beloved flat earth society. This truly dynamic duo is alien to planet Goibos as the two refer to our evolutionary living cosmic rock. I find the alternate name littered in feces from a linguistic stand point, but let’s be honest, The Try Hardz do not think like earthlings. “Goibos-kind are blind to the power of sun rays.” J.K. Philosé spoke at a recording session mid-April 2012, during an interview with Frank Dundba of Youtubemusicsucks.com. Frank visited them in the Try Hardz Cities (as was irritatingly referred to by Young Coconut to reference Waterloo Region). If these grown men weren’t visitors from another planet who had procreated with our distant monkey man ancestors, I might bully them myself.
They come from Kepler 22b, which is in the constellation Cygnus, approximately 600 light years from earth. The two are inbred cousins, descendants of the great and widely worshipped Neanderthal figure Gordo-god of the under-crust.
Kepler is a futuristic earth per say. J.K. Philose in his auto-biography ‘Life On K-22b’, described it in the John Malkovich style “A Fucking…fire ball.”
He went on “I’ll never return. As a nomad of the universes, I’ve discovered Goibos is but a punitive spec of frailty and arrogance. Their time measurement is but a laugh worth laughing silently about. Our music is but a mockery of this thing humans call creativity.” He goes on to write of his alien attraction to Rihanna and her garage band beat theft. “She’s a genuine genius. She holds no bounds. Her appearance is one loved by the ground dwellers on Kepler 22a. I’m sure they would love to snatch her down with haste!”
His writing being foreign to earth, Young Coconut being the main producer isn’t any more cordial. One quote I’ll share was spoken to our Frank Dundba “Commander Cheese god of Goibos, Hugh Jackman pussy of film, Gordo god of Kep. The end will never come stupid Goibos kind,” He finished with a ninety second maniacal giggle as Frank noted. When Frank persisted to ask questions, Coconut handed him the following image, which was taken polaroid style, of his “homeland”.
If you were to listen for any duration of time to the Midget Made Giant L.P. you would be hearing the immersing of human culture over-coming the duo, but in contrast The Try Hardz Try Hard (In Space), Try Harder (In Space), and Try Hard with a Vengeance (On Earth) L.P.’s are reflective of their terrestrial homage. One comment left under their Youtube video for the smashing song ‘Kiddy Kingdom’ off of the Try Hardz Try Hard (In Space) L.P., “You pedophilic losers, that song is disgusting, I can’t believe it was produced by Binary Forest!” braddlang youtube user wrote rather pre-maturely. J.K. Phlose in his second auto-biography ‘Dieing Because Of Molestation’, wrote “I was seriously abused, by my Ugraf (Aunt) when I was negative 456 years young. It damaged my self-concept. I wanted to be reborn right after.”
In a Young Coconut interview he goes into some detail about how and why he came to earth. “I was done with that shit storm. Do you know your cousin Venus? Fucked Eh! Would you live there Frank, would you? I couldn’t. That’s why I left. Also get it right! I didn’t come to Goibos, I left Kep. I’m really fucking old Frank. I’m 1724 years older than you. I was still sipping daddy’s milk when your Thomas Aquinas was fucking shit up philosophically. I was playing fire tag when Dionysus was drinking wine with Zeus. I was sharing light with girlguys when the Catholic Church was sending bastard babies into cathedral wells. Dude I was writing Midget Made Giant when Beethoven put his Chris Brown like ear to the bass tones.”
A recent video has been released by Try Hardz for the song “This is Animal House”, describing their essential plight, admitting to the world and the government their story of interstellar travels, and yet the world seems to either be in denial or in a state of – yes – indifference to even such cosmic events as this. To the hilarity of their dog-manager Randool, who laughs in the form of short crisp barks, it seems to have slipped by the authorities that Try Hardz have come to Goibos (Earth), and announced their alien nature by way of music video. Former manager, or guy who claimed to be their manager but was never actually their manager, Gustav Fedoseev said, “This was a mistake. A MISTAKE!!”
The two Try Hardz are self-documented as human on Wikipedia and Bandcamp to appease the UN and their fear of humanity reacting hysterically to aliens like Young Coconut (producer), and J.K. Philose (Producer). “I think if we weren’t channeling our space journey’s into tunes the world would volcanically erupt or explode. That’s why I do music. Keep the planet intact. That being said I will be leaving in two thousand years or so, so watch your volcanoes around 4010-25.” J.K. Philose said with concern.
The Try Hardz are two single foreigners who hold the truths of space travel, the truths of the omnipotent observer of our planet, the truths of our future protection of our galactical placement, and it’s all easy listening on the albums listed above, or the sonic sample provided below, which laments how the very world itself cannot hear the Try Hardz pleas to stop the violence. JK says, “Try Hardz are not like the Babylonians. We are not manic ejaculators like IDRM. And we are certainly not pathetic bozos who worship Miley Cyrus like the Pornographic Shit Circus. No. You must understand, we are not war mongers, but the world continues to give birth to angry humans, angry lizards, angry dogs, and angry plants! Were we not beset to watch the world as custodians for a time, we would leave this world, but, like I’ve said so many times, we have one more 1000 year cycle to endure of this warring world.”
Be sure to read J.K. Philose’s five page autobiographies (2.5 pages per). You can purchase them on Amazon.com/ca for $.50 + shipping. I ordered and sent them to my residence in Barcelona Spain and read them in minutes! You can buy Dirtiest Camelot L.P. on Bandcamp.com.
Converse to JK’s claims that Try Hardz are leaving, YC is just as fixated on staying on Goibos. “The thing is I like it on Goibos, so fuck Philose if he leaves in the fourth millennia. I think that may be the end of the Try Hardz. To me he’s a flake. With the industrial buildings of recorded tunes we will have by then, it’s never enough, and it’s all badass material. Why would you stop on Goibos and go to Long Dradge, or Fiasclkic Clats? We’ve been there. Those systems are fucked, Frank! They kill each other for the different grains of sand they eat. That’s malevolent and pure racism at its finest grain of sand, that’s why we left really quick, caught the zip line and here we are, and I’m here to stay. Though we may cottage on your moon…what’s the moon called here, Frank? Oh, just moon.. very creative. Yes, we have stayed on the moon sometimes and it is tranquil, and I would enjoy it more except for having to wear such a bulky helmet there. I don’t need my skull imploding again, Frank. Skull reconstruction is pricy.” Young Coconut then responded to Frank Dundba’s question: What will you do if the band breaks up? “Nothing, just nothing.” he said.
Frank Asked J.K. about his influences. He grunted and said he had none. He asked the same question to Y.C. who said “I am the way I am because of my momdad.” The music is said to continue for another two millennia, which is good, terrifyingly good.